Late for work!

I remember at school having to tell the occasional fib (not often as i was always a good little boy!), for being late or, in very rare cases, skipping school for a whole day. During their working life a teacher must hear the most incredulous reasons for absence.
Today, at work, took me back to my school days when a chap phoned in with an absolute gem. The character concerned is considered a genuine individual so his story was accepted without question.
Apparently, he was only 10 or 15 minutes into his 40 minute journey when he took a despairing call from his wife at home. At the first opportunity, he spun round and headed back. The reason for the emergency? His two year old daughter had somehow managed to lock herself in the bathroom!! Very soon after arriving home, the chap had the door open and the panic was over with no harm done. I bet daddy will not be reading her a bedtime story tonight!!!

holiday issues

I used to think it was a doddle booking a holiday but when you have a wife who has become paranoid regarding most things related to travel, your holiday choices become somewhat limited! Europe, in particular, soon becomes a virtual no go zone, as you will see!!
Suggestion - How about trying Turkey for the first time, love?
Response - Oh no, not with all those earthquakes.
Suggestion - How about Greece and a trip to Athens for some culture?
Response - What and fight through all those riots, you must be kidding.
Suggestion - I have heard  Cape Verde is becoming popular. Shall we give that a go?
                  Where's that?
                    Off the coast of South Africa.
                   No, never fancied South Africa. Might get kidnapped by those pirates!!
Suggestion - What about a Mediterranean cruise? (Pause followed by expletives). No dear, i was not joking!!

After that sort of an exchange, you feel inclined to forget your passport, throw a case in the boot and drive down to the tranquility of Cornwall. But whatever you do, if you see my wife, please dont tell her there have been sightings of sharks off the coast. At the moment, she thinks they are confined to Mauritius!!!

Funny thing about funerals.

Today, i attended the funeral of the father of a good friend of mine. Needless to say, it was a sad occasion but brightened by some humorous anecdotes during the service.
Later, when reflecting on the service and the wake afterwards, i realised how much humour was shared at the funeral by friends and family. At the wake, i listened to and overheard various amusing tales involving my friend's father. There were others sharing genuine warmth with relatives or friends that they had not seen for months, or may be years.
Then, there were the other incidents!! During the service i stood next to a lady i had known for years but had never had the pleasure of singing hymns with at a funeral! Sharing a programme, our attempt to sing the first line of 'Morning Has Broken', was enough to scatter the congregation. The high pitch left us both grunting out the words much to the dismay of the people around us. The miming afterwards was an improvement!!!
Then some wag entertained us with stories about your body after death. Apparently, as soon as you die, you lose a few pounds in weight within about five to 10 minutes. I was also informed that when you are cremated, your ashes are the same weight as when you were born!! Obviously, the person was a specialist on the subject, so i did not question their obvious wisdom!!
For me, i was just delighted to attend the funeral without any complications. This follows a funeral a few years earlier where i attended the whole service of a complete stranger in error!! However, this is a story for another day!!

Birmingham, the UK's new capital!!

Today was a typical day of news you would rather forget, monopolised by the fact that the government are going to spend billions of pounds so that we can get to Birmingham 20 minutes quicker. Now i have no beef with Birmingham but i would love to know what they will have in 12 to 13 years time that is going to warrant that cost for 20 minutes. No pressure Brum, but you must have something up your sleeve:-))!
I have some intriguing possibilities:
*Scotland is seeking independence so maybe further change is planned in the UK and Birmingham is to become the new capital.
*Weather forecasters predict that due to global warming, the UK's average temperatures will rise by 3 degrees centigrade and Birmingham will become the hottest and sunniest place in the country.
*The city council finally tires of its local football teams failing and forces Birmingham, West Brom, Wolves and Aston Villa to disband. A 200,000 seater ground is built for the new capital team to compete with Stoke, who are the new kids on the block and are winning everything!!

Any more ideas??

Reducing alcohol intake.

I read the report this week that suggested that  everyone should definately not drink for two days in a week. I think it is an excellent idea. I appreciate that it is not an easy take for many people who enjoy a regular tipple. However, i am definately going to follow the advice but i just cant make up my mind which week of the year i am going to skip the two days!!!

Tear---ry Henry, the fantasy!!

Sometimes, we hear the phrase 'fantasy football'. Well, last night, in the world of football where certain football phrases are used rather excessively, there was actually a touch of fantasy about the goal scored by Thierry Henry for his beloved Arsenal. Having left Arsenal over 4 years ago, he returned to start a brief loan spell and scored the only goal to knock out Leeds. Such was the emotion after the goal was scored, with numerous manly cuddles, you could almost imagine the tears welling up across the country.Well, maybe not in Tottenham!!

But if this was fantasy football, let's take it to even greater extremes. With his pal, David Beckham, watching from the stands, just imagine the far wider picture. Our Thierry is a French man loved in England. All we need is to start a movement to have him made President of France. Then, the easier task of getting Beckham appointed as our Prime Minister and bingo, all of our European problems are solved:-)!! With those two in power, we would never see another strike at French ferry ports and the M20 would never be a car park again!! Now, that's what i call real fantasy football!!!

Fingered!!

How many times does it happen? Your journey home from work violated by some testosterone fuelled junky!
Now i know i drive a Volvo, which makes me an automatic target, but i am starting to feel as though i am being victimised.
Tonight, i serenely manoeuvered off a roundabout on the first exit and glided immediately into the outside lane as i would be turning right at the next roundabout in 200 yards. But this was in violation of the plans of the nerd who suddenly appeared from nowhere in his spunky little car. He was the classic type who would bore his friends to death by telling them that his 'wheels' did 0-80mph in 1.5 seconds.........yawn!!
Now, this guy had no need to be in my lane. His plan was to save 5 seconds of his life by whipping past possibly 3 cars and then carve up some other poor Volvo driver 20 yards before the roundabout to get into his correct lane. Having now probably wrecked his entire evening, the guy wanted revenge and, in true Jensen Button style, he was on my inside in a flash.
He was so desperate to show me a magnificent specimen of a middle finger, that he narrowly avoided running into the back of the braking traffic in front. It would have been so amusing to see him have a shunt and see that large digit of his disappear up his left nostril:-)!!